Round & Round - PTSD

Over the last month I’ve noticed the flashbacks coming more often. There’s nothing that provokes them that I can determine. With the increased frequency, each scene becomes more vivid & even if there are variances in them, it’s always his last few hours alive that play over & over in my head.

There are so many emotions in those last hours…mine…his…the kids. Thoughts about what he said to each child, reactions to his words to them. “You’re making too much noise. Daddy loves you. Go to your room & be really quiet.” Why?

Why won’t it stop? It’s driving me mad Each flashback brings sadness, worry, pain, tears, anxiety & anger.

Why? It’s been 3 years & 9 months since it happened! Why do I remember it more vividly than giving birth to our children? Why?

I have no answers. All why’s? are rhetorical. No one can answer.

I hate PTSD. I hate these flashbacks. I hate not remembering good things & just his death.
I’m struggling again I think I need to go see the doctor. I haven’t talked to him about PTSD since January of 2012. I should be better…I should be over the traumatic event.

Those last few hours…I hear his voice more now. I can see him in my mind clearly. He wants my daddy to baptize him. He waited until the end & now he wants to be baptized. His arm hurts, so he keeps raising it above his head to stretch it out.

He cried. It’s the first time in 14 years I’ve seen him cry & it’s breathtakingly pitiful. He didn’t want his mother to leave. He’s tired & lays down to rest. Unaware of his bodily state, he urinated in the bed. He asks me to help him move to the couch, but doesn’t tell me he wet the bed. He was 50. That would have embarrassed him. He’s so very tired. He says he’s going to nap & I go answer the phone. He didn’t want me to.
“Let the damn phone ring”, he says. I explain that I must. It’s his daughters. They’ve been calling for over an hour. They’re worried. I need to give them an update. “Take the battery out of it Chrissy”, he pleads. But, I couldn’t resist. I just had to answer that phone. Stupid me!! After a few minutes on the phone I hear him…he’s gurgling

Couldn’t breathe. The mass over his lungs burst. He was drowning in his own blood. Throw phone. Scream!!! Call 911. Idiot answers. The rest I’ve already written about before, so why rehash it?

Why remember it? Why can’t my mind rewrite the memory? I pray & God gives me peace. Jesus usually sends angles to rock me to sleep, but not tonight. I’m tormented.

I try to focus on how far God has brought us – the kids & I. We are blessed beyond measure, so why is this happening again? Why can’t I just hit ctrl-alt-delete & end task?

Why can’t I reboot? It’s stuck there…playing out in my head…over & over.

I’ve remarried. 3 years & 2 months after he died, I remarried. The kids are happy & thriving. I’m happy 98% of the time & then out of nowhere, BAM! It starts again.

Why?  I’m happy now, I remind myself. I’m safe. I’m secure. I’m loved. We’re all healthy.
I thought there were suppose to be triggers…identifiable triggers so I could avoid them. I don’t see a provocative pattern except night fall, bed time, alone with my thoughts while my new husband snores away.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is torture. Maybe it’s provoked by an underlying subconscious thought pattern I’m oblivious to. Maybe I’m one of the unlucky ones.

Maybe I’m all alone with this disorder. Maybe there’s just too many ...maybes

I’ve prayed for so many of you, whether we’ve met or not. Please keep our family in your prayers as I fight through this struggle. Please & ask the Lord to protect the children’s minds from such torment too. Theirs is a different scenario, but traumatic as well. They watched me attempt to save his life in front of them. They saw their daddy’s blood on my face as I blew into is chest in vain.

Oh Jesus, please take this from us

PTSD is an evil monster of the mind!

Brother's Love - PTSD Check-In

This article was originally published on June 2, 2012 on my old blog

A brother's love is a strong, sensitive, and unfailing.

While we were on vacation earlier this week, I saw so much evidence of my boys' healing.  I noticed some changes in their interactions with one another over the last few weeks as we took in a new family addition. It is nice to see them bonding once more instead of being arch enemies with each other :-)

On vacation, we went to a small non-commercialized island where we had the beach practically to ourselves. This of course meant we also had the ocean to ourselves for the most part as well. Before the trip, both boys had concerns about safety. Neither could swim and were worried that I may not be able to save them.  They worried about the heat, the sand, the frogs,...practically everything. I think they were afraid of a new experience, but knew I was not going to leave them home - they were going to see the ocean, like it or not!

On day 1 we drove all day and each of us crashed on our prospective beds at the hotel late at night.
On day 2 we drove the short distance to the beach and they faced their fears. Nick coaxed them out into the water as he laid down a few ocean rules. He showed them how to get past the breaks, not to worry about the sand, what brushed against their feet, and showed them the tranquility of body surfing the gentle waves. I was truly amazed. They did it - with no reservations. They went straight into the water, conquered that fear. Later that day, I watched my oldest son write in the sand to his daddy. I guess he was showing dad that he hadn't forgotten him. Then, he wrote to his girlfriend (his name and hers in a heart) multiple times! It was sweet. I had a few minor concerns about their PTSD flaring up on this trip and wondered if they would reach out to my deceased husband. My concerns were confirmed, but not anything to worry about yet.
On day 3 they experienced the beach again, this time with stronger waves. We drove about an hour and 45 minutes to Ocean City Maryland. We went to the beach and the boys were awarded the opportunity to witness commercialization. They experienced mass traffic, city culture, saw what they thought were hot bodies (very little bathing suits and a lot of skin), odd people, live musicians, men and women flirting among the masses, and much more turbulent waters of the ocean.  We spent about three hours on the beach and in the ocean before we toured the boardwalk. The waves were crashing into the beach, the wind was stronger and people were elbow to elbow. The boys approached the water apprehensively. Nick went with them, but warned them about the undertow currents and told them how to make it back to shore if sucked out to sea.
I could see the fear written on their faces and I knew that I would run out there and save them if I could. They feared losing each other as much as they had feared losing their daddy. They feared losing me and were relieved that I stayed on the shore line this day. I stayed with the towels and our belongings. The honesty factor flew out the window when we left our favorite island on Chincoteague. This was wild, crazy, and chaotic.
 
I didn't interfere as they bonded together, encouraged each other "they could do it" and reassured each other that they'd be okay. I can't express how hard it was as a mother to watch and not jump in there and erase all of their fears.

They went into the ocean. Holding hands. Forming a chain of protection as they had vowed to save each other if the need arose. They stayed close to Nick in the water for comfort. Before long, my oldest was waaaaay out in the ocean on his boogie board. He was a natural. He took to the waves like a dolphin. My youngest was not far out though as he stood aside and watched his big brother adventure out into the deep.
They had learned to swim and hadn't realized it!! They had conquered a fear and were not aware. They were out there swimming with fish, crabs, jelly fish, sting rays, sand sharks, and lord only knows what else :-)
From the side lines, I watched. From the side lines I was proud of them and couldn't tell them. They've told me that they are fine if I just help them and not actually say "PTSD" or "Are you okay". My Momdar (mom radar) is supposed to go off at just the right time in their minds to save them from their own thoughts.
On day 4  we were back on Chincoteague Island and we went to the beach at Assateague Island. They were beginning to wear thin, tire down - like a tire going flat.  The hot sun, wind, and ocean water was beginning to take a toll of them. Irritable and grumpy, we promised them a break on day 5.  I saw more sand writing on day 4 to their daddy and they brought him up a time or two in conversation. No one cried, no one withdrew. They were healing nicely.
 
On day 5  Nick rented a bike for my youngest son and Josh to ride around town. My youngest conquered another fear. He learned how to ride a bike! He rode that bike all over the town while Nick and I went to the beach. He conquered a fear of independence and being alone also. He was rather happy with himself that he rode as long and as far as he did on the Island. By car, the entire island can be crossed in less than 10 mins if you obey the speed limit of 25mph. It was very small. My oldest also conquered a fear of being alone in a new place. He didn't tell me he was afraid with words, I read it on his face. He talked to his girlfriend all day (I'm guessing) as he walked around the island.  Both boys are still healing and growing on day 5 :-)

On day 6 the boys didn't want to go to the beach, they wanted bikes again. Nick rented bikes for them and they rode all day through the town. It was day 2 of a new-found freedom and they loved it! On this day all three boys had an argument blow out and they resolved it mostly on their own. Nick and I only had to intervene slightly. They were growing, bonding, learning each other and developing a new brotherly love (whether they realized it or not).
 
On day 7 we went back to the beach one last time for shell collecting. They had all formed a new bond and were unaware of it. Each of them I saw talk to each other, interact with each other, and show concern in a new way.
 
This vacation was a healing experience for them. Therapy could not have provided what this trip did.

Praise you Jesus for your Love, Grace, Peace, and Healing!!  :-)

Who Left Me By Myself?

Who Left Me By Myself
This article was originally published on April 25, 2012 on the 

Kids up - check
Coffee made - check
Commute - check
Kid 1 dropped off at school - check
Commute - check
Kid 2 dropped off at school - check
Commute to mountains - check

             Wait...huh?

How did I get on this Mountainside? The mountains call my name.  I've always had an "escape" from the kids dramatic lives, bosses that pride themselves on X# years with a company as they throw "underlining" under a bus, family, friends, neighbors... everyone!!

I had always found solitude in the Appalachian mountains, until we began staying on the other end of Knoxville. Now, I'm pulled toward the Smoky Mountains :-)






Welcome to my new hide-away :-)

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Another Evil of PTSD

Another Evil of PTSD
This article was originally published April 3, 2012 on the old blog

Another evil of PTSD is depression. It's not always present and can be controlled for some by medication.
I hate depression. It rips life from a person and steals tears from its miss-perceived victims. Depression can take a beautiful day and make it cloudy, gloomy, and undesirable. It has much company when it takes root in one's soul; for it invites anger, sadness, and self loathing with it. These rascally fiends take over and throw a misery party showcasing every wrong move, thought, word spoken, or deed done in the past. Their heart wrenching film plays over and over until the unassuming audience has become completely trapped by its clutches.
Depression is a beastly evil of PTSD.

Depression is one of the most commonly occurring disorders in PTSD. In fact, it has been found that among people who have or have had a diagnosis of PTSD, approximately 48% also had current or past depression. People who have had PTSD at some point in their life are almost 7 times as likely as people without PTSD to also have depression. Another study found that 44.5% of people with PTSD one month after experiencing a traumatic event also had a diagnosis of depression.

For more information on how PTSD and depression could be linked click here.
For another view on depression click here.Click Me, Click Me!
So, the question is, how does someone with depression associated with PTSD cope? PRAYER! A lot of Prayer!!
On this roller coaster ride we call life, there are always rainbows after every storm. We have to choose to see the rainbow instead of the destruction that the storm left in its wake. It's also a lot easier to write about it than to put it into practice, by the way ;-)

I need a game plan. I need to figure out why I stop wanting to take part in life. The Lord and I are the only two that can work together on this giant feat and obtain any lasting success. Medication will only place a bandage over the wound that depression leaves. The longer I let it wound me, the deeper and larger that wound will be. I can't let that wound turn into a scar or I will have given up and become lost in the misery party that depression wants to host.

Here I go! Wish me luck!! :-)
 I'm ready to tackle the evil beastly depression monster brought along with the sinister PTSD!!

Peaks and Valleys - part 2

This article was originally published on February 18, 2012 on the old blog


Week Eight of home repairs ends in many huge Thanks. The Lord has blessed us once more with progress and much needed hardware :)

Last week & this week I spent much time at the swamp tearing out more walls and dividing salvageable items from ruined. Being able to borrow my dad's truck to haul off demolition material & trashed possessions was a huge blessing. The gratitude I have for my health increased greatly when I realized how much was getting accomplished :-)

With the largest majority of the walls stripped to studs, the guys working can get to the additional areas that need repair and the electrician can continue to rewire the house.

On Monday, I was blessed to meet some kind-hearted people at my son's school. On Wednesday, I found a cute little bathroom vanities at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore in Maryville. For under $70 we have vanities, Praise God!


When I left that location, I stopped by another location on the chance there may be affordable kitchen cabinets. I had never realized how expensive kitchen cabinets were until I attempted to locate some that would fit our tiny budget. God blessed us again though :-)

At the other location, I found a set in decent shape for a more than reasonable price. I walked out of there a happily blessed owner of cabinets for less than $340 (tax included)!! Overcome with thanks and praise to God, I happily drove to pick the kids up :-)




After acquiring my oldest son, I drove to pick up my youngest. He had an envelope for me. When I opened it, my oldest son began to cry & I teared up also...there was a gift card from a local grocery store inside the envelope with $100 loaded onto it!! Yet again I was praising God for loving us so sweetly. My hope increases!

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Christmas Eve...eve

This post was originally published on December 24, 2011 on the old blog

"Good Morning. Merry Christmas Eve...eve", I hear as I open my eyes. With a huge smile I reply, "Silly!"

I am as happy as a school girl. The boys are happy and smile now more than I have seen them smile in 2 years.  The last 3 weeks have been sweet, loving, honest, and pure. I feel again. I am alive. The world has color and fragrance.
Hours later, I hear.....

"The problem is we spend so much time talking each morning, it throws our plans off for the day."

But why? Why is this a problem? Isn't life sweet? Aren't you happy? Don't you smile now more than you have in a long time?

Stop. Think. Laugh. Love. 
Then you could Hug :-)
Life is so much more  :-)


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PTSD & Deception = Backwards Progress

This article was originally published December 1, 2011 on the old blog


The mind is a precious, tender, and special thing. When dealing with PTSD & Deception it can = backward progress. On Thanksgiving day, just before midnight, I received some devastating news. This news would affect more than just me personally, it would affect my boys, their sisters, and aggravate their PTSD.
I will not share the details of this news, as the news itself is not important. The type of news is the key point.
Deception, deceit, lies...

When a person is healing from PTSD, their mind is rerouting thought patterns, memories, perception of people, places, and things. This healing time is fragile and if lies, deceit, or deception enters...it could completely reverse the healing process.

If you are personally healing from PTSD you understand how important reality & the truth are. If you are standing along side someone healing through PTSD, you should NOT allow, implant, or produce deception, lies, or deceit in any situation.

The truth is always the best medicine. Sometimes, good people make bad decisions. Sometimes, bad people make good decisions. Sometimes, people good or bad assume that someone healing can't handle the truth. This is completely false. The truth will help heal and benefit someone struggling with PTSD. The truth is not always pretty, fun, or joyously delivered. But, the truth is always the best choice!

If you choose to be that solid foundation, that rock for the healing person to lean on, you must do it truthfully.  If you do not... PTSD & Deception = backward progress :-(

God has held my boys & I in his gentle loving hands and protected us for many years. The day I received the news of a year & half of deception...My God was there to catch us when we were weak kneed and almost fell backwards.

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Life Goes On

This article was originally published on November 18, 2011 on the old blog


Wouldn't it be great to have a dollar for every time someone said "Life Goes On" to you? I'd be financial set if I did! :-)

After hearing & making that statement most of my life, I've determined that I am a Life Goes On professional. I'm not a paid professional, but rather an experienced professional.

I've been so broke that I couldn't afford food for myself to eat & barely managed to keep the lights on to ensure everyone else ate.

I've taught at least 9 teenagers to drive on my last few gallons of gas, smiled as they got their drivers license, and walked to my destinations for the rest of the week.

Somehow, I managed to care for my hubby after his heart attack in 1999 & take care of both boys (one in diapers & the other just potty trained) at the same time.

After a terrible car accident my parents were involved in, (back in 2001) I managed to care for my family at the same time I took care of my parents' mental and physical rehabilitation and affairs.
I never passed out once! :-)

Then in 2007, I worked 45-60 hrs a week at work, came home and cleaned house, cooked, did 7-9 loads of laundry daily and provided financial support for one of my girls & one grandbaby for 6 months.
In 2009, when my husband passed away, I was numb. Not sure how exactly, but I managed to stay on top of things, provide support for my in-laws, children, and took care of the house. During this time, I took a month off work to straighten myself out emotionally and it backfired on me. I fell apart :-(  ...but, you know what? Life Goes On

I am venting & trying to decide what's next in life today. Normally, I don't allow myself to talk this way... so I write :-)  Writing can be therapeutic. It's a huge leap of faith to do it out in the open too. I write to remind myself that Life Goes On, so I can't give up now, nor ever. I'm far too stubborn for that anyway!

Recently, I found myself unemployed and happy :-)  I've had some much needed time with the boys and myself. After all these years, I finally have time for myself. It was so delightful! Now that it's been almost a month off/not working, I feel so much more connected to the boys. I also feel more in touch with reality, where I am in life, and what purpose life has at this time.

Life Goes On...My neighbor planted ornamental corn at the corner of our property. That corn grew to heights over 30 feet tall & spread outward, covering her property and leaping over onto mine. This wouldn't be an issue, except the corn over powered my mailbox!! I have to cut the corn back on my side at least once monthly or the mail person cannot locate my mailbox. Just like my neighbor's ornamental corn, bad times or hard times can get the best of us if we allow them to. That negativity can breed & spread quickly and take over our minds if we are not careful. I'm thankful for God's mercy, peace, and love! Now that 2 full years have passed since losing my husband, my best friend, & my previous life, I am beginning to understand that it's okay to allow Life to Go On!





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Beautiful Hike - House Mountain part 2

This article was originally published on November 13, 2011 on the old blog


Join me for some pictures of A beautiful Hike up House Mountain...the second time. This time, both boys hiked with me on November 6th. About a week & half had elapsed since our last visit to this mountain. The area had also experienced at least 6-8 frosts as well. With each frost more leaves change colors and more leaves fall off. The first post has the sun at high noon.

The pictures below are of our second hike & the sun was not far from setting.

A beautiful Hike up House Mountain :-)





















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