Brother's Love - PTSD Check-In

This article was originally published on June 2, 2012 on my old blog

A brother's love is a strong, sensitive, and unfailing.

While we were on vacation earlier this week, I saw so much evidence of my boys' healing.  I noticed some changes in their interactions with one another over the last few weeks as we took in a new family addition. It is nice to see them bonding once more instead of being arch enemies with each other :-)

On vacation, we went to a small non-commercialized island where we had the beach practically to ourselves. This of course meant we also had the ocean to ourselves for the most part as well. Before the trip, both boys had concerns about safety. Neither could swim and were worried that I may not be able to save them.  They worried about the heat, the sand, the frogs,...practically everything. I think they were afraid of a new experience, but knew I was not going to leave them home - they were going to see the ocean, like it or not!

On day 1 we drove all day and each of us crashed on our prospective beds at the hotel late at night.
On day 2 we drove the short distance to the beach and they faced their fears. Nick coaxed them out into the water as he laid down a few ocean rules. He showed them how to get past the breaks, not to worry about the sand, what brushed against their feet, and showed them the tranquility of body surfing the gentle waves. I was truly amazed. They did it - with no reservations. They went straight into the water, conquered that fear. Later that day, I watched my oldest son write in the sand to his daddy. I guess he was showing dad that he hadn't forgotten him. Then, he wrote to his girlfriend (his name and hers in a heart) multiple times! It was sweet. I had a few minor concerns about their PTSD flaring up on this trip and wondered if they would reach out to my deceased husband. My concerns were confirmed, but not anything to worry about yet.
On day 3 they experienced the beach again, this time with stronger waves. We drove about an hour and 45 minutes to Ocean City Maryland. We went to the beach and the boys were awarded the opportunity to witness commercialization. They experienced mass traffic, city culture, saw what they thought were hot bodies (very little bathing suits and a lot of skin), odd people, live musicians, men and women flirting among the masses, and much more turbulent waters of the ocean.  We spent about three hours on the beach and in the ocean before we toured the boardwalk. The waves were crashing into the beach, the wind was stronger and people were elbow to elbow. The boys approached the water apprehensively. Nick went with them, but warned them about the undertow currents and told them how to make it back to shore if sucked out to sea.
I could see the fear written on their faces and I knew that I would run out there and save them if I could. They feared losing each other as much as they had feared losing their daddy. They feared losing me and were relieved that I stayed on the shore line this day. I stayed with the towels and our belongings. The honesty factor flew out the window when we left our favorite island on Chincoteague. This was wild, crazy, and chaotic.
 
I didn't interfere as they bonded together, encouraged each other "they could do it" and reassured each other that they'd be okay. I can't express how hard it was as a mother to watch and not jump in there and erase all of their fears.

They went into the ocean. Holding hands. Forming a chain of protection as they had vowed to save each other if the need arose. They stayed close to Nick in the water for comfort. Before long, my oldest was waaaaay out in the ocean on his boogie board. He was a natural. He took to the waves like a dolphin. My youngest was not far out though as he stood aside and watched his big brother adventure out into the deep.
They had learned to swim and hadn't realized it!! They had conquered a fear and were not aware. They were out there swimming with fish, crabs, jelly fish, sting rays, sand sharks, and lord only knows what else :-)
From the side lines, I watched. From the side lines I was proud of them and couldn't tell them. They've told me that they are fine if I just help them and not actually say "PTSD" or "Are you okay". My Momdar (mom radar) is supposed to go off at just the right time in their minds to save them from their own thoughts.
On day 4  we were back on Chincoteague Island and we went to the beach at Assateague Island. They were beginning to wear thin, tire down - like a tire going flat.  The hot sun, wind, and ocean water was beginning to take a toll of them. Irritable and grumpy, we promised them a break on day 5.  I saw more sand writing on day 4 to their daddy and they brought him up a time or two in conversation. No one cried, no one withdrew. They were healing nicely.
 
On day 5  Nick rented a bike for my youngest son and Josh to ride around town. My youngest conquered another fear. He learned how to ride a bike! He rode that bike all over the town while Nick and I went to the beach. He conquered a fear of independence and being alone also. He was rather happy with himself that he rode as long and as far as he did on the Island. By car, the entire island can be crossed in less than 10 mins if you obey the speed limit of 25mph. It was very small. My oldest also conquered a fear of being alone in a new place. He didn't tell me he was afraid with words, I read it on his face. He talked to his girlfriend all day (I'm guessing) as he walked around the island.  Both boys are still healing and growing on day 5 :-)

On day 6 the boys didn't want to go to the beach, they wanted bikes again. Nick rented bikes for them and they rode all day through the town. It was day 2 of a new-found freedom and they loved it! On this day all three boys had an argument blow out and they resolved it mostly on their own. Nick and I only had to intervene slightly. They were growing, bonding, learning each other and developing a new brotherly love (whether they realized it or not).
 
On day 7 we went back to the beach one last time for shell collecting. They had all formed a new bond and were unaware of it. Each of them I saw talk to each other, interact with each other, and show concern in a new way.
 
This vacation was a healing experience for them. Therapy could not have provided what this trip did.

Praise you Jesus for your Love, Grace, Peace, and Healing!!  :-)

Peaks and Valleys - part 2

This article was originally published on February 18, 2012 on the old blog


Week Eight of home repairs ends in many huge Thanks. The Lord has blessed us once more with progress and much needed hardware :)

Last week & this week I spent much time at the swamp tearing out more walls and dividing salvageable items from ruined. Being able to borrow my dad's truck to haul off demolition material & trashed possessions was a huge blessing. The gratitude I have for my health increased greatly when I realized how much was getting accomplished :-)

With the largest majority of the walls stripped to studs, the guys working can get to the additional areas that need repair and the electrician can continue to rewire the house.

On Monday, I was blessed to meet some kind-hearted people at my son's school. On Wednesday, I found a cute little bathroom vanities at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore in Maryville. For under $70 we have vanities, Praise God!


When I left that location, I stopped by another location on the chance there may be affordable kitchen cabinets. I had never realized how expensive kitchen cabinets were until I attempted to locate some that would fit our tiny budget. God blessed us again though :-)

At the other location, I found a set in decent shape for a more than reasonable price. I walked out of there a happily blessed owner of cabinets for less than $340 (tax included)!! Overcome with thanks and praise to God, I happily drove to pick the kids up :-)




After acquiring my oldest son, I drove to pick up my youngest. He had an envelope for me. When I opened it, my oldest son began to cry & I teared up also...there was a gift card from a local grocery store inside the envelope with $100 loaded onto it!! Yet again I was praising God for loving us so sweetly. My hope increases!

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Peaks and Valleys - part 1

This article was originally published on Feb 10, 2012 on the old blog



                        Peaks and Valleys

Faith is defined in the bible as: The substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.
Faith has always been the cornerstone of my existence. I trust in God for all things. But, even the most devoted Christian will experience Peaks and Valleys in their lives. These trials (Valleys) can affect one's belief, character, or convictions over time if allowed. Every Valley (or low place) we go through in life will make us stronger when we make it through and are back on the mountain again (doing well in life).  When life is going well and we think that everything is great, that's when we are content to be on that Mountain. We are satisfied, happy, and sometimes take for granite the little things.

2012 has only 6 weeks under its wing and we have had a lot of Peak and Valley Adventures in our lives already for the year. We left 2011 with a home only 1 week into repairs. (For a refresher, you can read the before mentioned house repairs here.) To recap our current situation, the house was basically sliding off of its foundation near the back side. Due to the rain, flooding, moisture that didn't have time to dry before the next rain, and a newly discovered critter...the floor cracked under Nicky and My feet a few days before Thanksgiving 2011, literally! I didn't know the extent of the damages at that time, so I called in several companies to check the damage and see what it would take to block the floor up where it had dropped. 5 companies (which shall remain nameless to protect their cowardice) evaluated the house, were speechless, rubbed their heads, turned and ran away without a second thought. I wasn't sure what had them so worried and they didn't tell me.

One person with a company evaluated the house before Christmas and told me that a house is like a person. Houses get sick and they need help to get better. People go to a doctor for medicine to feel better. A house needs a carpenter and repairs. Just as a doctor would not place a band-aid over cancer to get rid of it, my house would need extensive work and not just blocked up to secure the floor. He told me about the back of the house sliding off the foundation, showed me the moisture damages to the floor joints, and told me that some of the damages reflected termite and carpenter ants may be living in the wood. Needless to say, I was in a state of shock. I knew the floor had dropped several inches and could hear the floor joints cracking and giving way, but this was much more than I had ever imagined.
I immediately had a million and one thoughts racing through my mind:

Is this guy serious? He looks serious, yet confident.
Where did this come from? How does a house all of a sudden just...fall apart?
Should I have known this was coming? Why didn't I see it?
What in the world is a carpenter ant?!!? Termites I can understand. I've heard of those. I can be mad at my neighbors for sending them my way, but where did the carpenter ants come from?
Money! $$Oh no$$ What will I do for money? I have a little to work with, but I just lost my job. This sounds really expensive!

I asked him how long he thought the repairs would take. He said a week, maybe. They would be ripping the laundry room floor up and rebuilding it.  The time frame would depend on the extent of the damages. I felt some better knowing that it was a short project and hoped that short meant inexpensive as well. I was also happy that they would not start work until after Christmas. Wow, that certainly was the optimist in me shinning through. I prayed and was grateful to the Lord that the major damages would be fixed in a short amount of time and asked God to help us with the finances. Many of my friends and family said, "tear that money pit down and get out of there!" I wouldn't budge though. :-)

Fast forward a week, Christmas passed and the rain came. Each rainy day sends a babbling brook flowing through the crawl space in the house. Half of the laundry room floor had been ripped out, but no building had occurred yet. They had  managed to get under the house and support the existing structure on the back and ....discover more damage! The extra damages were larger than what was originally thought. Many of my friends and family said, "tear that money pit down and get out of there!" I wouldn't budge, but was tempted a little :-)

Skipping forward another week, New Years came and went. The guys ripped the hallway floor out also. They found rot after rot, multiple different types of mold, and more bug damage. The man in charge was ripping out everything damaged and didn't want to leave us with supported rot. He wanted to rebuild with new, pressure treated wood and began to search out someone to check the bug damages so those could be prevented in the future as well. It all sounded thorough and great, but I began to worry about the cost as the floor kept disappearing and I had to continue to move more of our possessions into other rooms so they could expand their working area. We were not living at home any longer either. Once they ripped so much of the floor out and that mold was exposed, I got the boys out of there.  They discovered that the main load bearing wall support was rotted and had to be replaced also. Time frames for completion increased by 2 weeks and I knew that when we went to Lowes to buy the material, I would be 2/3 out of $ for this project. My faith fell straight into what I assumed was a bottomless pit of a valley. I cried out to the lord,

What?!!?, why me? Why us? Haven't we been through enough? Where are you now? Did you leave us? Have you turned your back? Is this it? Will we be homeless? This is all we have. Why? Will you provide the $? How will they finish this project? It couldn't get worse :-(

As soon as I said all of that, I was convicted. I could hear my mom say, "Oh ye of little faith! You better not say it couldn't get any worse, or step back and watch it get worse!!", while shaking her finger at me. I could hear my dad say, "Life's not fair Chrissy. It rains on the just and the unjust." I could hear myself in the past telling people to have faith because God is way bigger than anything that could come up against them. Yet, I couldn't yank myself out of this gloomy feeling that I had and muster up faith. Talk about a valley? Even if I had not experienced the house falling apart, having such a crisis of faith would be enough to be a huge valley in life by itself. AND  ON TOP OF THAT...hearing voices, hahahaha...I thought I was going nuts! I felt bad for questioning God or his will or ways, yet I still did it. I felt bad for allowing my human nature take control over my emotions, but I still allowed it. I cried...a LOT. Many of my friends and family said, "tear that money pit down and get out of there!" I just cried and thought about budging :-(

Jumping on about another week, the time frame for completion is still 2 more weeks. A pump was purchased for the crawl space to remove the ever-present storm water run off from the  neighborhood under my house. The electrical wiring was laying in water each time it rained and the guys working there were doing us a favor by risking their lives. They were exposing themselves to the elements that were unsafe daily and I just hung around, moping. We purchased the building materials to rebuild a couple of walls, the floor joints, and sub floor that had been removed. As expected, my funds were running thin by now. The demolition had moved from the original laundry room work to the hallway, to one wall, then to the next wall, and they were discussing the bathroom now.

In a previous week, one of my step daughters came to the house and removed memory type possessions and things that could be cleaned and recovered so we didn't loose everything. I would go to the house to help in any way I could often, until I became sick at the end of this week. After all the years of living there, I had been sick a lot and my immune system was suppressed. I began to realize how selfish I was being and at this point the Lord was really convicting my heart and faith. He sent several people across my path. People who didn't have homes at all, and people who were in far more desperate situations than we were. We were staying with a friend, so I knew we at least had a roof over our heads. I began to pray often in this week. I wrote this after I felt some comfort. Many of my friends and family said, "tear that money pit down and get out of there!" I wouldn't budge though. My faith was being renewed daily :-)

Entering the third week of January, the guys were beginning to build. I was still feeling terrible and wasn't able to help them. I went to the doctor and he gave me some antibiotics to heal. He told me to rest. How was that possible? Anyway, the building began this week. By the end of the week, my faith had increased as I received news that they were working with a bug man (insect control dude) and I had contacted my uncle to see if he could help with the plumbing. He was devastated at the site of the house.  Many family said, "tear that money pit down and get out of there!" I got mad and wouldn't budge! I'm standing on my renewed faith if it kills me!!  :-)

We are almost current with this adventure now :-)

Scoot along another week, I was introduced to an electrician last week. He was just as overwhelmed as ever other person seeing the house at this point. I prayed that God would be merciful and that he would soften this guy's heart for us and help. Then I asked for the finances to afford to pay him and buy the materials :-) After much conversation with the lead guy on the project, the Journeyman Electrician agreed to help. His price was beyond reasonable (Praise God) and I was overcome with emotion. Once more, I was crying. The guys working on the house thought I was sad, but I was just full of emotion, love, mercy, God's compassion, Grace, and thankfulness. They moved on through the house tearing out rot. They tore out the walls of the Kitchen and bathroom. I began tearing out walls in the living room later in the week to help them.

Also at the end of the week, I met the bug man. He evaluated the house, assessed the damaged, made the professional determination that I did in fact have termites. Then, he said the carpenter ants came in to eat the termites, but they caused far more damage because they bore through the wood and make it weak faster than the termites eat the wood to cause damage. So...I was happy!! 

Once more I prayed that god would soften the heart of the bug man so that we could afford the wood treatment and save the house. He left with several ideas and said he'd contact the leader of the project soon. He wanted to wait until all the old wood was removed from the house before treating the new wood. I was over joyed, happy, stood in awe of god's grace again and asked forgiveness for allowing  my faith to falter! My friends and family said, "tear that money pit down and get out of there!" No way I would budge now! Nah, nuh-uh, nope, noway Jose, forget that!  :-) I'm not giving up on God, especially after the lessons I have learned the hard way in life. My friends and family remind me of Jobs friends in the bible. His friends commiserated with him in his sorrows and in the end said, why don't you just curse God and die dude? My family and friends were similar in that aspect because they wanted me to give up on walk away, tear the house down, and find another home. I smiled :-)

This week, the living room walls were stripped to studs, kitchen was bare to studs, wires were hanging loosely everywhere, and there was not one piece of plumbing anywhere in the house. It all had been removed. The place was smelling better (except when the cat went under the house to poop in the largest litter box ever- the crawl space.) I worked on the house some alone. I enlisted the help of one of my brothers to help me haul away several loads of demolition material. I tore out more walls in the bedrooms and bumped and bruised myself up really good! ha-ha :-) All in a day's work :-) My faith is still unmoving. God sent a little more money to help with the project (praise you Lord!) Also, a friend contacted me out of the blue and provided some finances that I had no idea would be coming. I thanked her over and over and thanked God.  My friends and family were not as quick to say, "tear that money pit down and get out of there!" Some of them finally saw that God was working and that the situation is not as dreary as they thought it was. God is not the author of confussion...and my faith won't budge  :-) It may be Friday, but the week isn't over yet. I have hope in things I can not see that even more will be accomplished in this week :-) and that god is my one and only provider of all things!

I'm still smiling :-) Let's ROCK this Adventure!

Christmas Eve...eve

This post was originally published on December 24, 2011 on the old blog

"Good Morning. Merry Christmas Eve...eve", I hear as I open my eyes. With a huge smile I reply, "Silly!"

I am as happy as a school girl. The boys are happy and smile now more than I have seen them smile in 2 years.  The last 3 weeks have been sweet, loving, honest, and pure. I feel again. I am alive. The world has color and fragrance.
Hours later, I hear.....

"The problem is we spend so much time talking each morning, it throws our plans off for the day."

But why? Why is this a problem? Isn't life sweet? Aren't you happy? Don't you smile now more than you have in a long time?

Stop. Think. Laugh. Love. 
Then you could Hug :-)
Life is so much more  :-)


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Back to the List!

This article was originally published on December 15, 2011 on the old blog


This past weekend, the boys & I were blessed to mark another item off our bucket list! #25 was to take the boys to Gatlinburg, TN around Christmas time. I wanted them to see the lights & have a good time & they sure did!

The boys experienced many firsts. They rode go carts, played in a huge arcade, walked the streets in Gatlinburg, admired the lights, stayed in a hotel, swam in a pool in the middle of winter, & got in a whirlpool. Cole gassed us after eating BBQ(shew!) and Nicky bought at least 10 new tiny bouncy balls (we won't go there).  We met celebrities (cardboard), acted out scenes with Droids, posed in silly hats, & discovered Santa carries a double barrel sawed off shotgun! Cole & I got henna tattoos. The boys spent $5 to get me a toy outta various claw machines.

What a great adventure :-) I'm so glad we got back to the list! And I am thankful that God has blessed our lil family again :-)























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PTSD & Deception = Backwards Progress

This article was originally published December 1, 2011 on the old blog


The mind is a precious, tender, and special thing. When dealing with PTSD & Deception it can = backward progress. On Thanksgiving day, just before midnight, I received some devastating news. This news would affect more than just me personally, it would affect my boys, their sisters, and aggravate their PTSD.
I will not share the details of this news, as the news itself is not important. The type of news is the key point.
Deception, deceit, lies...

When a person is healing from PTSD, their mind is rerouting thought patterns, memories, perception of people, places, and things. This healing time is fragile and if lies, deceit, or deception enters...it could completely reverse the healing process.

If you are personally healing from PTSD you understand how important reality & the truth are. If you are standing along side someone healing through PTSD, you should NOT allow, implant, or produce deception, lies, or deceit in any situation.

The truth is always the best medicine. Sometimes, good people make bad decisions. Sometimes, bad people make good decisions. Sometimes, people good or bad assume that someone healing can't handle the truth. This is completely false. The truth will help heal and benefit someone struggling with PTSD. The truth is not always pretty, fun, or joyously delivered. But, the truth is always the best choice!

If you choose to be that solid foundation, that rock for the healing person to lean on, you must do it truthfully.  If you do not... PTSD & Deception = backward progress :-(

God has held my boys & I in his gentle loving hands and protected us for many years. The day I received the news of a year & half of deception...My God was there to catch us when we were weak kneed and almost fell backwards.

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Life Goes On

This article was originally published on November 18, 2011 on the old blog


Wouldn't it be great to have a dollar for every time someone said "Life Goes On" to you? I'd be financial set if I did! :-)

After hearing & making that statement most of my life, I've determined that I am a Life Goes On professional. I'm not a paid professional, but rather an experienced professional.

I've been so broke that I couldn't afford food for myself to eat & barely managed to keep the lights on to ensure everyone else ate.

I've taught at least 9 teenagers to drive on my last few gallons of gas, smiled as they got their drivers license, and walked to my destinations for the rest of the week.

Somehow, I managed to care for my hubby after his heart attack in 1999 & take care of both boys (one in diapers & the other just potty trained) at the same time.

After a terrible car accident my parents were involved in, (back in 2001) I managed to care for my family at the same time I took care of my parents' mental and physical rehabilitation and affairs.
I never passed out once! :-)

Then in 2007, I worked 45-60 hrs a week at work, came home and cleaned house, cooked, did 7-9 loads of laundry daily and provided financial support for one of my girls & one grandbaby for 6 months.
In 2009, when my husband passed away, I was numb. Not sure how exactly, but I managed to stay on top of things, provide support for my in-laws, children, and took care of the house. During this time, I took a month off work to straighten myself out emotionally and it backfired on me. I fell apart :-(  ...but, you know what? Life Goes On

I am venting & trying to decide what's next in life today. Normally, I don't allow myself to talk this way... so I write :-)  Writing can be therapeutic. It's a huge leap of faith to do it out in the open too. I write to remind myself that Life Goes On, so I can't give up now, nor ever. I'm far too stubborn for that anyway!

Recently, I found myself unemployed and happy :-)  I've had some much needed time with the boys and myself. After all these years, I finally have time for myself. It was so delightful! Now that it's been almost a month off/not working, I feel so much more connected to the boys. I also feel more in touch with reality, where I am in life, and what purpose life has at this time.

Life Goes On...My neighbor planted ornamental corn at the corner of our property. That corn grew to heights over 30 feet tall & spread outward, covering her property and leaping over onto mine. This wouldn't be an issue, except the corn over powered my mailbox!! I have to cut the corn back on my side at least once monthly or the mail person cannot locate my mailbox. Just like my neighbor's ornamental corn, bad times or hard times can get the best of us if we allow them to. That negativity can breed & spread quickly and take over our minds if we are not careful. I'm thankful for God's mercy, peace, and love! Now that 2 full years have passed since losing my husband, my best friend, & my previous life, I am beginning to understand that it's okay to allow Life to Go On!





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The Re-Adjuster

Originally published on September 25, 2011 on the old blog



I received a call last week from a man called a re-adjuster. He apologized that my home owner's insurance had not followed up on my claim for storm damage that occurred back in April/May/June. He proceeded to explain that he was summoned to correct mistakes made by the insurance company.

I've thought a lot about what he said he does -being a Re-adjuster. It all seems so relevant as these thoughts race through my mind. Sometimes, we need a re-adjuster to intervene in our lives. When we get so deep into a situation or circumstance, we can't objectively make the best decisions, queue the re-adjuster.

Maybe we try to stand back, view everything from another perspective & make some personal adjustments. But, we can't always do everything independently in life.

It's just so very hard to accept help sometimes. That's my downfall. It's not pride, I have very little of that.  I just want to help others, not be helped by them. I'm certainly not above help, I just don't know how to act when it is offered to me.

Have you ever created something and asked someone for their opinion of it? It could be writing, composition, drawing, painting, molding, pottery, etc.  We do this with our life circumstances as well. When we create a bad situation for ourselves (such as depression, a bad decision, or something that blew up), at some point, we have to ask for an outside opinion after evaluating ourselves and attempting to adjust on our own.  Queue the re-adjuster!

God the Father, his son Jesus, & the Holy Spirit comforts us through Faith by Grace. And... they've been known to use other sources to reach us as well:
A song on the radio
A pet that keeps up with our footsteps
A passerby that engages us in a quick conversation that leaves a smile on our face
A child's touch when we least expect it
That phone call comes through, just before we give up
Or the sky smiles down on us with a radiant beam, rainbow, or sunrise.
Sometimes it takes a re-adjuster to make us wake up, listen, and come back to this life.





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