Round & Round - PTSD

Over the last month I’ve noticed the flashbacks coming more often. There’s nothing that provokes them that I can determine. With the increased frequency, each scene becomes more vivid & even if there are variances in them, it’s always his last few hours alive that play over & over in my head.

There are so many emotions in those last hours…mine…his…the kids. Thoughts about what he said to each child, reactions to his words to them. “You’re making too much noise. Daddy loves you. Go to your room & be really quiet.” Why?

Why won’t it stop? It’s driving me mad Each flashback brings sadness, worry, pain, tears, anxiety & anger.

Why? It’s been 3 years & 9 months since it happened! Why do I remember it more vividly than giving birth to our children? Why?

I have no answers. All why’s? are rhetorical. No one can answer.

I hate PTSD. I hate these flashbacks. I hate not remembering good things & just his death.
I’m struggling again I think I need to go see the doctor. I haven’t talked to him about PTSD since January of 2012. I should be better…I should be over the traumatic event.

Those last few hours…I hear his voice more now. I can see him in my mind clearly. He wants my daddy to baptize him. He waited until the end & now he wants to be baptized. His arm hurts, so he keeps raising it above his head to stretch it out.

He cried. It’s the first time in 14 years I’ve seen him cry & it’s breathtakingly pitiful. He didn’t want his mother to leave. He’s tired & lays down to rest. Unaware of his bodily state, he urinated in the bed. He asks me to help him move to the couch, but doesn’t tell me he wet the bed. He was 50. That would have embarrassed him. He’s so very tired. He says he’s going to nap & I go answer the phone. He didn’t want me to.
“Let the damn phone ring”, he says. I explain that I must. It’s his daughters. They’ve been calling for over an hour. They’re worried. I need to give them an update. “Take the battery out of it Chrissy”, he pleads. But, I couldn’t resist. I just had to answer that phone. Stupid me!! After a few minutes on the phone I hear him…he’s gurgling

Couldn’t breathe. The mass over his lungs burst. He was drowning in his own blood. Throw phone. Scream!!! Call 911. Idiot answers. The rest I’ve already written about before, so why rehash it?

Why remember it? Why can’t my mind rewrite the memory? I pray & God gives me peace. Jesus usually sends angles to rock me to sleep, but not tonight. I’m tormented.

I try to focus on how far God has brought us – the kids & I. We are blessed beyond measure, so why is this happening again? Why can’t I just hit ctrl-alt-delete & end task?

Why can’t I reboot? It’s stuck there…playing out in my head…over & over.

I’ve remarried. 3 years & 2 months after he died, I remarried. The kids are happy & thriving. I’m happy 98% of the time & then out of nowhere, BAM! It starts again.

Why?  I’m happy now, I remind myself. I’m safe. I’m secure. I’m loved. We’re all healthy.
I thought there were suppose to be triggers…identifiable triggers so I could avoid them. I don’t see a provocative pattern except night fall, bed time, alone with my thoughts while my new husband snores away.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is torture. Maybe it’s provoked by an underlying subconscious thought pattern I’m oblivious to. Maybe I’m one of the unlucky ones.

Maybe I’m all alone with this disorder. Maybe there’s just too many ...maybes

I’ve prayed for so many of you, whether we’ve met or not. Please keep our family in your prayers as I fight through this struggle. Please & ask the Lord to protect the children’s minds from such torment too. Theirs is a different scenario, but traumatic as well. They watched me attempt to save his life in front of them. They saw their daddy’s blood on my face as I blew into is chest in vain.

Oh Jesus, please take this from us

PTSD is an evil monster of the mind!

Quick Test

I am testing the new-to-me app I downloaded from Google Play. The app is called blogger. This app is supposed to allow me to blog on the go from my android phone.

Also, we could use this test post to test any feeds that are linked to the blog. If you received notification of a new post, please comment below and let me know that the feed was successful.

On this new blogging forum that I am using, it is hard for me to know who receives notification of a new blog post. 

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure that I am satisfied with Blogger at this point or if I should keep the WordPress blog as the primary forum.

If you have any opinions, comments, or suggestions for me - please let me know. You can contact me through the contact form on the right side bar or by leaving a comment below.

I can assure you that no comments will hurt my feelings or upset me, because I am looking for honest feedback.

Thank you for reading!

Brother's Love - PTSD Check-In

This article was originally published on June 2, 2012 on my old blog

A brother's love is a strong, sensitive, and unfailing.

While we were on vacation earlier this week, I saw so much evidence of my boys' healing.  I noticed some changes in their interactions with one another over the last few weeks as we took in a new family addition. It is nice to see them bonding once more instead of being arch enemies with each other :-)

On vacation, we went to a small non-commercialized island where we had the beach practically to ourselves. This of course meant we also had the ocean to ourselves for the most part as well. Before the trip, both boys had concerns about safety. Neither could swim and were worried that I may not be able to save them.  They worried about the heat, the sand, the frogs,...practically everything. I think they were afraid of a new experience, but knew I was not going to leave them home - they were going to see the ocean, like it or not!

On day 1 we drove all day and each of us crashed on our prospective beds at the hotel late at night.
On day 2 we drove the short distance to the beach and they faced their fears. Nick coaxed them out into the water as he laid down a few ocean rules. He showed them how to get past the breaks, not to worry about the sand, what brushed against their feet, and showed them the tranquility of body surfing the gentle waves. I was truly amazed. They did it - with no reservations. They went straight into the water, conquered that fear. Later that day, I watched my oldest son write in the sand to his daddy. I guess he was showing dad that he hadn't forgotten him. Then, he wrote to his girlfriend (his name and hers in a heart) multiple times! It was sweet. I had a few minor concerns about their PTSD flaring up on this trip and wondered if they would reach out to my deceased husband. My concerns were confirmed, but not anything to worry about yet.
On day 3 they experienced the beach again, this time with stronger waves. We drove about an hour and 45 minutes to Ocean City Maryland. We went to the beach and the boys were awarded the opportunity to witness commercialization. They experienced mass traffic, city culture, saw what they thought were hot bodies (very little bathing suits and a lot of skin), odd people, live musicians, men and women flirting among the masses, and much more turbulent waters of the ocean.  We spent about three hours on the beach and in the ocean before we toured the boardwalk. The waves were crashing into the beach, the wind was stronger and people were elbow to elbow. The boys approached the water apprehensively. Nick went with them, but warned them about the undertow currents and told them how to make it back to shore if sucked out to sea.
I could see the fear written on their faces and I knew that I would run out there and save them if I could. They feared losing each other as much as they had feared losing their daddy. They feared losing me and were relieved that I stayed on the shore line this day. I stayed with the towels and our belongings. The honesty factor flew out the window when we left our favorite island on Chincoteague. This was wild, crazy, and chaotic.
 
I didn't interfere as they bonded together, encouraged each other "they could do it" and reassured each other that they'd be okay. I can't express how hard it was as a mother to watch and not jump in there and erase all of their fears.

They went into the ocean. Holding hands. Forming a chain of protection as they had vowed to save each other if the need arose. They stayed close to Nick in the water for comfort. Before long, my oldest was waaaaay out in the ocean on his boogie board. He was a natural. He took to the waves like a dolphin. My youngest was not far out though as he stood aside and watched his big brother adventure out into the deep.
They had learned to swim and hadn't realized it!! They had conquered a fear and were not aware. They were out there swimming with fish, crabs, jelly fish, sting rays, sand sharks, and lord only knows what else :-)
From the side lines, I watched. From the side lines I was proud of them and couldn't tell them. They've told me that they are fine if I just help them and not actually say "PTSD" or "Are you okay". My Momdar (mom radar) is supposed to go off at just the right time in their minds to save them from their own thoughts.
On day 4  we were back on Chincoteague Island and we went to the beach at Assateague Island. They were beginning to wear thin, tire down - like a tire going flat.  The hot sun, wind, and ocean water was beginning to take a toll of them. Irritable and grumpy, we promised them a break on day 5.  I saw more sand writing on day 4 to their daddy and they brought him up a time or two in conversation. No one cried, no one withdrew. They were healing nicely.
 
On day 5  Nick rented a bike for my youngest son and Josh to ride around town. My youngest conquered another fear. He learned how to ride a bike! He rode that bike all over the town while Nick and I went to the beach. He conquered a fear of independence and being alone also. He was rather happy with himself that he rode as long and as far as he did on the Island. By car, the entire island can be crossed in less than 10 mins if you obey the speed limit of 25mph. It was very small. My oldest also conquered a fear of being alone in a new place. He didn't tell me he was afraid with words, I read it on his face. He talked to his girlfriend all day (I'm guessing) as he walked around the island.  Both boys are still healing and growing on day 5 :-)

On day 6 the boys didn't want to go to the beach, they wanted bikes again. Nick rented bikes for them and they rode all day through the town. It was day 2 of a new-found freedom and they loved it! On this day all three boys had an argument blow out and they resolved it mostly on their own. Nick and I only had to intervene slightly. They were growing, bonding, learning each other and developing a new brotherly love (whether they realized it or not).
 
On day 7 we went back to the beach one last time for shell collecting. They had all formed a new bond and were unaware of it. Each of them I saw talk to each other, interact with each other, and show concern in a new way.
 
This vacation was a healing experience for them. Therapy could not have provided what this trip did.

Praise you Jesus for your Love, Grace, Peace, and Healing!!  :-)

Another Evil of PTSD

Another Evil of PTSD
This article was originally published April 3, 2012 on the old blog

Another evil of PTSD is depression. It's not always present and can be controlled for some by medication.
I hate depression. It rips life from a person and steals tears from its miss-perceived victims. Depression can take a beautiful day and make it cloudy, gloomy, and undesirable. It has much company when it takes root in one's soul; for it invites anger, sadness, and self loathing with it. These rascally fiends take over and throw a misery party showcasing every wrong move, thought, word spoken, or deed done in the past. Their heart wrenching film plays over and over until the unassuming audience has become completely trapped by its clutches.
Depression is a beastly evil of PTSD.

Depression is one of the most commonly occurring disorders in PTSD. In fact, it has been found that among people who have or have had a diagnosis of PTSD, approximately 48% also had current or past depression. People who have had PTSD at some point in their life are almost 7 times as likely as people without PTSD to also have depression. Another study found that 44.5% of people with PTSD one month after experiencing a traumatic event also had a diagnosis of depression.

For more information on how PTSD and depression could be linked click here.
For another view on depression click here.Click Me, Click Me!
So, the question is, how does someone with depression associated with PTSD cope? PRAYER! A lot of Prayer!!
On this roller coaster ride we call life, there are always rainbows after every storm. We have to choose to see the rainbow instead of the destruction that the storm left in its wake. It's also a lot easier to write about it than to put it into practice, by the way ;-)

I need a game plan. I need to figure out why I stop wanting to take part in life. The Lord and I are the only two that can work together on this giant feat and obtain any lasting success. Medication will only place a bandage over the wound that depression leaves. The longer I let it wound me, the deeper and larger that wound will be. I can't let that wound turn into a scar or I will have given up and become lost in the misery party that depression wants to host.

Here I go! Wish me luck!! :-)
 I'm ready to tackle the evil beastly depression monster brought along with the sinister PTSD!!

Back to the List!

This article was originally published on December 15, 2011 on the old blog


This past weekend, the boys & I were blessed to mark another item off our bucket list! #25 was to take the boys to Gatlinburg, TN around Christmas time. I wanted them to see the lights & have a good time & they sure did!

The boys experienced many firsts. They rode go carts, played in a huge arcade, walked the streets in Gatlinburg, admired the lights, stayed in a hotel, swam in a pool in the middle of winter, & got in a whirlpool. Cole gassed us after eating BBQ(shew!) and Nicky bought at least 10 new tiny bouncy balls (we won't go there).  We met celebrities (cardboard), acted out scenes with Droids, posed in silly hats, & discovered Santa carries a double barrel sawed off shotgun! Cole & I got henna tattoos. The boys spent $5 to get me a toy outta various claw machines.

What a great adventure :-) I'm so glad we got back to the list! And I am thankful that God has blessed our lil family again :-)























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PTSD & Deception = Backwards Progress

This article was originally published December 1, 2011 on the old blog


The mind is a precious, tender, and special thing. When dealing with PTSD & Deception it can = backward progress. On Thanksgiving day, just before midnight, I received some devastating news. This news would affect more than just me personally, it would affect my boys, their sisters, and aggravate their PTSD.
I will not share the details of this news, as the news itself is not important. The type of news is the key point.
Deception, deceit, lies...

When a person is healing from PTSD, their mind is rerouting thought patterns, memories, perception of people, places, and things. This healing time is fragile and if lies, deceit, or deception enters...it could completely reverse the healing process.

If you are personally healing from PTSD you understand how important reality & the truth are. If you are standing along side someone healing through PTSD, you should NOT allow, implant, or produce deception, lies, or deceit in any situation.

The truth is always the best medicine. Sometimes, good people make bad decisions. Sometimes, bad people make good decisions. Sometimes, people good or bad assume that someone healing can't handle the truth. This is completely false. The truth will help heal and benefit someone struggling with PTSD. The truth is not always pretty, fun, or joyously delivered. But, the truth is always the best choice!

If you choose to be that solid foundation, that rock for the healing person to lean on, you must do it truthfully.  If you do not... PTSD & Deception = backward progress :-(

God has held my boys & I in his gentle loving hands and protected us for many years. The day I received the news of a year & half of deception...My God was there to catch us when we were weak kneed and almost fell backwards.

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A Beautiful Hike - House Mountain

 This article was originally published on November 13, 2011 on the old blog


Let's go back in time a tad so I can share A beautiful Hike up House Mountain. We actually hiked this mountain twice in October. I'll share the second hike in a different post.

The first hike was with my oldest son. It was just the two of us hiking the moderately difficult trail to the tiptop of House Mountain.  That was on October 23rd. This date was relevant to the PTSD Flare Ups he was dealing with, so I wanted him to get out of the house. My youngest son didn't make this adventure with us. He was with his youngest sister.

Since it was already October, we had already experienced at least two overnight frosts, the trees were in their beautiful changing patterns. Pictures depict A beautiful Hike up House Mountain much better than I can describe with words.

When we got to the top of the mountain, my oldest son apologized for complaining the whole way up. He said that in his heart, he had conquered much more than the mountain, but couldn't share with me any details. He was, at this point, recovering very well from his PTSD Flare up.

Check out our pictures of A beautiful Hike up House Mountain :-)















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