Originally published on July 24, 2011 on Chrissy Adventures
I keep trying to remember and fill in the black holes of my life that
I have lost. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with figuring out who I
am, what made me who I am, and how I came to this place in life. It's
not a bad place to be, so why does it trouble me so much to remember?
what I've lost are bad memories and I shouldn't pursue them. Maybe I'll
be happier not knowing. Maybe, who I am right now is more important
than who I was? Maybe all of these maybes are driving me mad!
instant messaged a friend last night because her smile was so engaging. I
thought I must know her well because I was drawn to her like a magnet.
She couldn't believe that I didn't remember much about her. I told her I
read about hitting my head, so that may be why I couldn't remember
much. She must have fallen asleep at her keyboard, because she was
typing and just stopped. I got my pictures down & my high school
yearbooks to find her. There she was, flaunting that same engaging
smile. As I flipped through the book, a note fell out. It was her
handwriting. Studying the bubbly circles and loops, I began to remember a
I remember she was always smiling. She was outgoing,
witty, and great at conversation, but terrible at writing, so I wrote
her English papers. She befriended everyone and anyone. She could strike
up a conversation with a random stranger. I remember she was the first
female friend I had ever trusted. She was genuine and it never occurred
to her to be fake. I remember this is why I liked her. She was truly the
first female best friend I had ever made.
being raised around mostly men, I'm assuming I had trust issues with
women. Maybe I still do? Women are fake by nature. I've noticed this
just since hitting my head. Perhaps I've always felt this way?
causes a woman to lie about little things that are not necessary to lie
about? They lie to each other & SMILE while they do it.
the other day, I heard a woman tell another that she looked great in her
outfit. The complimented lady was embarrassed by such an unexpected
comment, face reddened a little, then she graciously thanked her, turned
and left. Once the other woman was gone, the compliment giving
woman turned on the lady while speaking to another woman. "Oh my God,
can you believe she's wearing that dress? Her butt looks huge. People
like that should dress in their size, not their children's." The other
woman replied, "I know! Did you see her hair? Her face is too fat for
that haircut. Her double chin is, like, huge now!"
At first, I had
a flash back of high school, then it occurred to me that these women
were bred this way. Will a tiger never change its stripes?
what I can remember, a lot of the women I have met were "nice" to each
others' faces, but ripped each other to shreds once their backs were
I've witnessed this a lot recently. It's not only
confined to appearances. This mindset is wide spread, covering
discounting someone's accomplishments, clothing, make up-- to when
another woman speaks. It festers, bleeds, and spreads like a virus among
Could this primal rage instinct come from the constant
comparisons that are made of little girls to Barbies, models, or each
others accomplishments? Are girls taught that to be worthy of something
great in life, they must stomp out the competition? Do parents realize
the consequences of the learned behaviors their children adapt from
I'm a parent & by no means am I perfect. I'm sure
my boys are as twisted as the next. My intentions are not to come
across as hypocritical. These are just thoughts flowing through my mind
as I strive to recover my memories and remember why I am who I am.
I have to say, it does sadden me.
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